This is a shelf-indulgent email I just sent to a girl from my college class, who currently works at the
CIA.
I'm not sure in what capacity (intelligence workers don't ask other intelligence workers about the specific nature of their bidness - it's bad etiquette.) But this is in response to the email she recently sent me, talking about her trip abroad (pleasure, not bidness), where she said "I found my zen."
CIA? Zen? This is gonna be good. For those who don't know, I was an Army Interrogator. And this girl is among my only friends who can decode my Defense Intelligence lingo. But I'll help y'all along by explaining the acronyms 'n such in my [BRACKET CAPS].
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Dear [CIA FRIEND],
Congrats on finding your zen. I wonder how many of your colleagues have found their zen? It can be hard to find. Maybe they could use IMINT [IMAGERY INTELLIGENCE, e.g. SATELLITE PHOTOS].
Sorry, I don't mean to talk shop with ya. But I remember going to this career fair back at [OUR COLLEGE], and I took a gander at a brochure from your employer. The representative was this satellite nerd, basically looking for similar science nerds. When I told him I was an interrogator (HUMINT) [HUMAN INTELLIGENCE], he totally turned up his nose at me. Like, "Run along, now, lil' interrogator... isn't there a set of jumper cables you should be attaching to a POW's balls?" That quote exaggerates, but the guy was a tool.
Girl, I don't even list my interrogator experience on my resume anymore. It sucks. People used to get all impressed and intrigued with it. A few companies got my resume and interviewed me just to pick my brain about interrogation. "Do you shine a bright light in their face?" If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that... Anyway, I took it off my resume because now interrogators clearly have a collective black eye.
Gawd, when will our current interrogators learn that degradation tactics do NOT work? The "bad cop," the"pride-and-ego down"... all that stuff you hear about in the news. It causes the subject to
a) clam up, or
b) spout false intel [INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION] just to get the macho jackass off their back, and/or the jumper cables off their balls.
I swear by the "pride and ego UP" approach. (Flattery.) I posed as a news reporter. The Geneva Conventions allow interrogators to pose as newsreporters... but NOT clergy or Red Cross. And the fact that I still remember that from my 1998 training bespeaks the inexcusability of these cretins posing as interrogators/MPs and claiming they weren't trained on the Geneva Conventions. But I digress.
So I latched onto this news reporter/flattery approach, and I rode it all the way to the top of my class at interrogator school. "Wow, you've endured so many trials and tribulations! I hate this war, too. I'll bet you have an AMAZING story to tell. Your family should be very proud." Blabbity blah, boy gets BROKEN. Men crack like Easter Eggs under that shit. I always put an elbow on the table and a fist under my chin and just gave 'em this gaze like "tell me a story, grandpa!" Pure gold.
I'm sorry to vent at ya... but I don't know too many people who would understand that. I'm disgusted with the CONTINUING quagmire surrounding my former MOS (97E) [MILITARY OCCUPATIONAL SPECIALTY 97E = TACTICAL INTERROGATOR]. I'm pissed that I can't put it on my resume anymore. It's been disgraced, and that deters potentially talented recruits from becoming interrogators, and THAT indirectly drags out this ridiculous war.
OK, I'm stepping down from the soap box now. If you know any interrogation-related HUMINT folks, put in a subtle plug for the "pride and ego UP" approach to breaking subjects. The way to a man's intel is through his sense of self-importance and/or self-pity. Not through his balls or his Quran.
Thanks for letting me vent.
And don't lose sight of your zen.
